I’ll stop saying this eventually, but it’s going to be interesting to see where this goes… mostly due to the fact I haven’t written along-form piece in some time. Secondly, much time has passed and, typically, the longer I wait, the more I think and the more I have to say – and most of the time it’s much more reduced and potent.

I’ve deciphered some internal issues I was having/do have, and so on. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been torn between truth and doing what is right. I disagree that these are one in the same. Many people claim truth is the highest order—a God of sorts. However, I don’t think so. There’s no deity guiding me, but doing what is right is a better-guiding force within my own deductions.

If I were to tell the truth all the time, sure it’s a noble notion, but it would cause significant friction. Most people do not tell the truth, and I would go as far as to say they are manipulative with their interests in mind. When I say most people, I’m speaking of an average person given all my interactions – this person or people(s) don’t actually exist. Let me know what a better term may be. And maybe I should have prefaced such a statement with, ‘It’s not their fault and I try not to judge them’ – if we were all mind readers and only did for others what they wanted us to do, life would be pointless. We can only read our own minds, so it's no one’s fault that’s what we act out most of the time.

Truth is a scapegoat. “But it’s the truth.” Sure. The truth is sometimes necessary and good luck to you if you want to bear that cross all the time. Also, truth is obviously not speaking your mind. You still need to deduce what the truth is, it is not an instinct. We can know the truth, but the issue becomes who are you to say ‘you’ know the truth. This was my dilemma…

I’d always kind of had this internal conflict that not telling the truth was lying or being manipulative. And it was a big thing for me because I often withhold my truth – hence the internal turmoil was visceral. And I’d think, “Do I tell the truth now…” and I wouldn’t. I kept it at bay because it seemed too easy, and I was suspicious of the truth seekers' claims.

Now I’m a little more settled with this. And it’s because I’ve chosen a camp. For me, it is painful keeping my internal dialogue, a variation of which is the truth, at bay. It takes a lot of self-control to not blurt shit out. And it does damage (to me) I must admit. However, I’ve seen and do see the power in people making up their own minds when supported. I could call this ‘what is right’ – another higher order. But really, it’s many things overlapping. And I do not currently possess all the faculties to fully encapsulate it (if it can be).

What I do know is there is a thread, a linkage, between what is right and good outcomes. Doing what is right takes a lot. ‘Holding back’ most of all. I want to facilitate and enable people to make up their own minds and choose the best course of action from their perspective. I can’t tell them this (the truth). Because I do not know, we need to explore it together. And I’d much rather they find it themselves than me point out my perspective.

When I stick with it. It’s amazing. It tests me more than I can communicate. Often with my head in my metaphoric hand mid convo - thinking,‘Kill me.’  But I persist and it brings me so much joy to see a higher order manifest whose form I couldn’t predict. (sometimes I do ;)

There’s no figuring it out. It never gets any easier. It always hurts. It always takes a toll. It will never stop. I will never stop. Doing what is right and not telling the truth is a patience game – people (the good kind ha) deserve the dignity and respect to work out their own truth. And that’s all I wish for myself.