I’ll stop saying this eventually, but it’s going to beinteresting to see where this goes… mostly due to the fact I haven’t written along-form piece in some time. Secondly, much time has passed and, typically,the longer I wait, the more I think and the more I have to say – and most ofthe time it’s much more reduced and potent.

I’ve deciphered some internal issues I was having/do have,and so on. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been torn between truth anddoing what is right. I disagree that these are one in the same. Many peopleclaim truth is the highest order—a God of sorts. However, I don’t think so.There’s no deity guiding me, but doing what is right is a better-guiding forcewithin my own deductions.

If I were to tell the truth all the time, sure it’s a noblenotion, but it would cause significant friction. Most people do not tell thetruth, and I would go as far as to say they are manipulative with theirinterests in mind. When I say most people, I’m speaking of an average persongiven all my interactions – this person or people(s) don’t actually exist. Letme know what a better term may be. And maybe I should have prefaced such astatement with, ‘It’s not their fault and I try not to judge them’ – if we wereall mind readers and only did for others what they wanted us to do, life wouldbe pointless. We can only read our own minds, so it's no one’s fault that’swhat we act out most of the time.

Truth is a scapegoat. “But it’s the truth.” Sure. The truthis sometimes necessary and good luck to you if you want to bear that cross allthe time. Also, truth is obviously not speaking your mind. You still need todeduce what the truth is, it is not an instinct. We can know the truth, but theissue becomes who are you to say ‘you’ know the truth. This was my dilemma…

I’d always kind of had this internal conflict that nottelling the truth was lying or being manipulative. And it was a big thing forme because I often withhold my truth – hence the internal turmoil was visceral.And I’d think, “Do I tell the truth now…” and I wouldn’t. I kept it at baybecause it seemed too easy, and I was suspicious of the truth seekers' claims.

Now I’m a little more settled with this. And it’s becauseI’ve chosen a camp. For me, it is painful keeping my internal dialogue, avariation of which is the truth, at bay. It takes a lot of self-control to notblurt shit out. And it does damage (to me) I must admit. However, I’ve seen anddo see the power in people making up their own minds when supported. I couldcall this ‘what is right’ – another higher order. But really, it’s many thingsoverlapping. And I do not currently possess all the faculties to fullyencapsulate it (if it can be).

What I do know is there is a thread, a linkage, between whatis right and good outcomes. Doing what is right takes a lot. ‘Holding back’most of all. I want to facilitate and enable people to make up their own mindsand choose the best course of action from their perspective. I can’t tell themthis (the truth). Because I do not know, we need to explore it together. AndI’d much rather they find it themselves than me point out my perspective.

When I stick with it. It’s amazing. It tests me more than Ican communicate. Often with my head in my metaphoric hand mid convo - thinking,‘Kill me.’  But I persist and it brings me so much joy to see a higherorder manifest whose form I couldn’t predict. (sometimes I do ;)

There’s no figuring it out. It never gets any easier. Italways hurts. It always takes a toll. It will never stop. I will never stop.Doing what is right and not telling the truth is a patience game – people (thegood kind ha) deserve the dignity and respect to work out their own truth. Andthat’s all I wish for myself.